want. things. can’t.
The sick pointlessness of it all…
my brain hurts from living
I want to continue, I really do. But why continue in the face of an utter and complete lack of substance. What is substance? A goal, maybe. I need something to distract me from past regrets. I need something that will fill the void that mistakes have left in my life. I want only a few basic things. But as I write that sentence. “I want only a few basic things.” Want. Things. This is the problem right here. But I can’t not want them. Can’t.
Want. Things. Can’t.
I used to be able to overcome this. Why can’t I anymore? Used to. Why.
I can only look to the future. I can only take what will come with it. I can only love what I have. I must not love what I don’t have. So I love this. Am I deluding myself? Or am accepting the truth? Does it matter? I think I already know the answer to this last questions.
Nothing matters. My choice is this: does it make me despair?
Or does it make me free?
Nothing matters. I am free. Carefree purposelessness.
Good. I feel better. But now I know that I suffer. I must love to suffer. Tomorrow I will suffer. Let’s suffer together.
To exist is to suffer. To suffer is to be alive. I am alive. I am not dead. I will be alive tomorrow. I must love to be alive.
End catharsis. Sleep.
Now.
***
Do not look to the past. To look back, is to die. I kept re-framing what I had done over and over. Re-contextualizing what I have done, not what I do. This has held me back. I have dwelled in the past. I must exist in the present and create in the present. Past creations are meaningless. The serve only as a record of action, not product of effort.
If a project persists to be unfinished, the project is finished. Once it has left the present and entered the past it has been lost. Do not dwell on unfinished things. They will remove the drive. It is easy to being but difficult to finish. Things will finish as they sometimes do. This will happen naturally.
Go to work. Now. It will finish as it always does.
***
The vapid musings of a vestigial organ.
It is never too late. It is always better to start sooner. Abandon stagnant projects. Always move forward. Sharks suffocate unless they swim. Profound leaps never come. Don’t wait for profound leaps. Archive, but don’t collect. Don’t tend to past work. Doing so is ego stroking masturbation. The greatest work is the work you start today. Today.
When you have an idea, act on it. Now.
